I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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