So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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