shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
