Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
