First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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