If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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