Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
