I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
