Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
