Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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