Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
