They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
