May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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