You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
