He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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