The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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