ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
