yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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