A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.