I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
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She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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