he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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