My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
