thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
