Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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