I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
