Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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