your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
