Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
