Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
