So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
