I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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