i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
