at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
