WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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