i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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