Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
