it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
