Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
