I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
