when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
