i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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