Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
