happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
