I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
