can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
