Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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