The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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