oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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