remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
