I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
