I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
