in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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