The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Less talking, more tequila
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He has the fingertips of a God
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