My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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