You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize