i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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