Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
