I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Randomize
