I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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