dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
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We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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