yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
