I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
