Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
40s are totally the cure
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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